Kenny Young and the Eggplants

Monster Hit Record 

So I said to the barkeep, 

“Please give me back my money. 

This has not been a happy hour at all. 

I fear your beer is insincere 

and it does not cheer me.” 

She said, “Perhaps you would prefer 

 something undomesticated” 

and she poured out something green 

with pink and purple bits. 

Its bouquet was rank. It tasted gank. 

But I drank it nonetheless. 

And then I felt my body changing. 

What was happening to me? 

Me - ta - mor - pho - sis 

Yes, I had become some kind of orange monster 

with bulgy eyes and one giant eyebrow. 

I said to the barkeep, "What the heck?” 

And she said, "Oops, wrong bottle." 

Since then, my life has improved dramatically 

I found a rent-stabilized apartment 

with twenty-five-foot-high ceilings. 

I have a new job and I don't have to wear a tie. 

I can get my fangs whitened 

and it's covered under my dental plan. 

At lunch, street vendors give me all the sauerkraut I can eat. 

After work, I have my own lane at the bowling alley. 

It is difficult finding shoes. 

Yeah, New York is a good place for an orange monster. 

The Check Has Arrived 

(TV sitcom theme song) 

The check has arri - i - ived 

The check has arri- i - ived 

I believe you'll be relieved 

when I’ve relayed that I've been paid 

The check has arri- i -ived 

We can buy the Mona Lisa 

Get extra toppings on our pizza 

You can study Socrates 

while I swing from a trapeze 

We can cycle to Belize 

to adopt that llama named Louise 

The check has arri - i – ived! 

Revved Up and Restless 

Revved up and restless 

I am staring out at the street life 

The city's beckoning 

Let's do something tonight 

Potential energy overload 

If I don't get kinetic I might explode 

Revved up and restless 

I am prepped and ready to take flight 

The city's calling out 

Let's do something tonight 

Well there's nothing on the TV 

There's nothing on the net for me 

There's not a game invented 

That can give me what I need 

Too wound up; can't power down 

Come on, let's go 

Let's see this town 

Revved up and restless 

If we get lost then we've done it right 

The city's beckoning 

Let's do something tonight 

Revved up and restless 

There's no telling what's waiting outside 

The city's calling out 

Let's do something tonight 

Plantastic Voyage (TV theme song) 

If you are looking for love 

why restrict yourself to Planet Earth? 

Come on a cruise to outer space 

A nearly infinite romantic place 

Plantastic Voyage 

In the lounge there's a psychic pop band called the Eggplants 

From across the universe fans seek their love advice 

You may think they're leading you astray 

But it all works out in some wacky way 

Plantastic Voyage 

If you're looking for love 

If you're looking for love 

Doctor Drosophila (parts 1, 2 & 3) 

She is a microbiologist 

She is very small 

Her name is Doctor Drosophila 

but she doesn't study fruit flies at all 

She studies the chromosomes 

of garden gnomes 

The Gnome Genome Project, as it's known 

Day after day she unravels DNA 

with passion and precision 

Her husband is a microchip maker 

He makes them out of very small potatoes 

They live in a renovated petri dish 

They like the culture there 

As they walk their pet amoeba Sheba to the minimart 

The doctor discusses her work 

She's feeling keen; she's isolated the gene 

for horticultural proficiencies 

But then the next day, her telephone rings 

It's the president of the United States 

He says "Hello, hello, Doctor Drosophila 

Your country needs your particular attributes 

You see the space program has had its budget slashed 

and our mission to Mars is in jeopardy 

Now we can afford only a tiny rocket ship 

Luckily NASA has a tiny pilot 

But we need a brilliant scientist 

Who can fit inside our custom-made spacesuit 

Somebody with impeccable credentials 

to carry out essential experiments 

Oh dearest doctor they're ready at the launch pad 

We need your answer … now 

Orbiting the red planet 

she reads what the mission's all about 

There's a colony of gnomes on Mars 

and the government wants to check them out 

If they say okay, and let the doctor test their DNA 

She'll find if they're a match with earthly gnomes 

Even she is stunned by the implications 

of the work she is about to do 

She assembles a space lab 

as the Martian Gnome Genome Project proceeds 

Her entire family is relocated there 

(at their own expense of course) 

Her husband is aware 

potatoes can grow nearly anywhere 

He'll plant a crop with Sheba by his side 

It's not what they dreamed, but happiness it seems is 

embracing life's vicissitudes 

Your Life Will Change By Christmas 

Pardon me 

Don't mean to be rude but I overheard 

you telling your friends that 

you're concerned about your future 

Well, you don't know me, but I'm here to say 

Your life will change by Christmas 

All new and strange by next Christmas 

And you'll be in love 

How do I know? 

I've got what you might call a time machine 

and I've seen a few things 

I can't give you any details 

Trust me, you'll be in a different state 

Your life will change by Christmas 

All new and strange by next Christmas 

And you'll be in love 

And now I'll go 

but we will meet again and 

then you'll know I'm not really insane 

Hold on just a little longer 

Reality will surpass your dreams 

Your life will change by Christmas 

All new and strange by next Christmas 

And you'll be in love 

Ruff Justice 

(high-concept TV sitcom theme song) 

The president drank a little moonshine 

and he temporarily could not think straight 

He nominated his dog to the Supreme Court 

and his public approval rating began to elevate 

The senators could not object 

for fear of appearing anti-canine 

So now there is a dog on the highest court of the land 

And the country is doing just fine 

'Cause we've got 

Ruff justice in the USA 

Ruff ruff justice in the USA 

Ruff justice in the USA 

Ruff ruff justice in the USA 

Flies 

She said 

There's a fly in the ointment 

She said 

There's a fly in my soup 

Flies, flies, flies 

She keeps telling me flies 

Flies, flies 

She keeps telling me flies … buzz … 

She said 

There's a fly in my souffle 

She said 

Shoo souffle fly 

Flies, flies, flies 

She keeps telling me flies 

Flies, flies 

She keeps telling me flies 

buzzzzzzzzzzzz … buzz … 

She said 

There's a fly in the basement 

She said 

I wish he'd turn his stereo down 

Prelude 

Fly away with me 

Up into the stars 

Other worlds await us 

Beautiful, mysterious 

Fly away with me 

Tonight 

Tell me all the galaxies you want to see 

and we'll go 

Fire up the spaceship and then we'll be free 

On our own 

Adventuring endlessly 

Fly away with me 

Tonight 

Love Conquers the Universe 

As we’re blasting through the stars 

eating takeout food 

there's a message in a cookie 

that changes the mood 

It says, "Love Conquers the Universe Today" 

We encounter alien wars 

everywhere we land 

We show our message to the leaders 

Now they understand 

that Love Conquers the Universe Today 

Millions of blinking eyes on stalks 

Turn to us when we speak 

and deadly rayguns gently 

fall from weary tentacles 

Looking out the porthole glass 

burning bright and clear 

It's a heart-shaped constellation 

so that's where we steer 

Suddenly battleships arrive 

They'll try to make us go 

But you and I will be triumphant 

because as you know 

Love Conquers the Universe Today 

Psychopath on the Cycle Path 

There's a psychopath 

on the cycle ... path 

Created by a diabolical genius 

Disdainful of the rules of the road 

It's a horrible hybrid 

Half-bicycle, half-man 

It's like a sinister, six-speed centaur 

There's a psychopath 

on the cycle path 

Cyborg psychopath 

on the cycle path 

He never obeys traffic signals 

He just focuses ahead with his one bloodshot eye 

He has a volatile temper 

a disregard for human life and 

a total lack of depth perception 

Look out! 

There's a cyclops cyborg psychopath 

on the cycle path 

Cyclops cyborg psychopath 

on the cycle path 

Ring-a-ding goes his little bell 

as he runs down tourists on the Brooklyn Bridge 

He is determined to make it to Coney Island 

Gonna ride that roller coaster somehow 

There's a Cyclone-seeking cyclops cyborg psychopath 

on the cycle path 

Cyclone-seeking cyclops cyborg psychopath 

on the cycle path 

There's a psychopath 

on the cycle path 

 

 

A Sampling of Lyrics from Other

Eggplants Albums
 

The House at Creepy Lake 

I guess it was a mistake 

to buy the house at Creepy Lake. 

But the broker kept on raving 

about the monster savings. 

“You have made an excellent choice,” 

said a disembodied voice. 

I really should be more judicious 

about who I listen to. 

Soon as I paid the deposit 

zombies poured out of the closet. 

Poltergeists of various shapes, 

werewolves on roller skates. 

They seemed a colorful bunch 

and so I offered lunch. 

A lifetime in New York had taught me 

to be open-minded. 

For a year we lived in perfect harmony 

playing hop-scotch in the moonlight. 

But our fun ended when the house next door was sold 

to a singer-songwriter. 

On a dreadful evening 

he came outside to sing 

about the problems in his life 

a world of pain and strife. 

The monsters were horrified. 

They howled and they cried. 

“We can’t listen to him moan. 

We’ll have to leave our home.” 

I said, “Wait up for me. 

I’m moving back to the city.” 

And that’s the story of 

the house I bought at Creepy Lake. 

Double Bubble Day 

Find a nickel 

on the sidewalk 

Feel a trickle 

of sunshine on me 

A street rat says, "Good Morning" 

I can hear hear the pigeons sing 

It's a double bubble day 

I know the rain won't fall on me today 

It's a double bubble day 

Everything is going my way 

Buy a paper 

Friendly vendor 

Get a coffee  

from the coffee man 

Watch the swirls of milk go round 

Watch the squirrels in the playground 

It's a double bubble day 

Even a car alarm sounds good to me today 

It's a double bubble day 

Everything is going my way 

I spin myself around 

and fall on the concrete 

A little ant walks by 

He helps me to my feet 

Alligator from the sewer 

pops her head out 

and says politely, 

"Please come down 

and have some tea. 

I've got free cable tv." 

And it turns out 

she likes baseball 

So we go up  

to the Stadium 

Sit among the spectators 

Special section for gators  

It's a double bubble day 

from the loudspeakers 

I hear the Monkees play 

It's a double bubble day 

Everything is going my way. 

All lyrics by Kenny Young